doubts
Senin, 12 Maret 2012 | 0 comments
Sometimes, there are times when you have some doubts towards yourself. A kind of thought that makes you feel like, you're not doing the right thing. It's normal to feel such a thing. But no one can deny that it's somewhat painful to do over yourself. However, the worst feeling is the one when you have doubts over your bestfriends.
Or maybe, people that you thought they WERE your bestfriends.
Hubungan-hubungan yang, katanya, long-lasting semacam persahabatan seharusnya nggak perlu semacam deklarasi tertentu. True bestfriends don't say "we are bestfriends now" to each other. It's just we feel like doing it. Tanpa sadar, kita selalu menghabiskan waktu dengan orang-orang itu. Cerita macem-macem ke mereka. Merasa definisi sesungguhnya dari "quality time" adalah ketika kita melewatkan waktu bareng mereka. Time flows, dan waktu kita sadar, dengan sendirinya kita udah menganggap mereka sebagai sahabat kita. Nggak perlu peresmian. Nggak perlu segala ikrar.
Tapi, yang paling menyakitkan adalah saat dimana TERNYATA mereka nggak merasakan hal yang sama ke kita. Oke, kita nganggep mereka sahabat. Gimana kalo ternyata ini cuma one-sided friendship? Disaat kita mengagung-agungkan mereka sebagai so-called-BFFs, mereka justru sama sekali NGGAK masukkin kita ke "daftar sahabat" nya. Yang lebih parah lagi, gimana kalo mereka menganggap kita sebagai sahabatnya, tapi mereka sama sekali nggak bersikap seperti how a bestfriend should act?
Mereka ngelakuin hal dari A sampe Z dengan mengatasnamakan kebaikan mereka. Prinsip mereka, "aku ngelakuin semua ini demi kebaikanmu, biar kamu seneng". Padahal, sebenernya semua itu cuma untuk kepuasan mereka semata. Dan bodohnya kita, as a loyal bestfriend, mau-maunya ngikutin omongan mereka?
This is bad. I have doubts over my so-called bestfriends. They DO backstab me. They talk behind me, and I've seen the proofs before. It hurts, hurts so bad until I can't stop thinking about it for the whole days. I spent the nights for thinking about my faults, but still - I couldn't find the EXACT thing which made them doing such a cruel thing to me. Why they did this to me? How long it's been since the very first time they started hating me? I don't even know whether "hate" is the perfect word or not, but one thing that I know; if they REALLY love me, they wouldn't do anything like this, right?
This isn't the first time. But I thought all of us already started a brand new page of our friendship. No matter what they do, I can't do anything but only forgiving them. Why they couldn't do the same thing to me? I'm sorry for hurting you. For making you uncomfortable with my behaviour. But if you have any unspoken words, why don't you just tell me directly instead of backstabbing me?
Now it feels like Bon Iver's Skinny Love:
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?
Bohong kalo mereka bilang mereka nggak mau nyakitin perasaanku dengan berkata jujur. Kalo mereka bener-bener berniat baik, mereka pasti bakal ngomong langsung ke aku. Bukannya nunggu aku sadar sendiri. Bukannya ngomongin aku dari belakang.
Ini semua salahku yang udah ngelanggar prinsipku sendiri; untuk nggak sepenuhnya percaya sama orang lain. Untuk nggak pernah bersandar sama orang lain. The world is giving its judgement towards me. So I guess I have to come back to my oldself; the one who will never, ever believe in another person.
Maaf, maaf banget udah nyakitin kalian semua - meskipun sampe saat ini aku nggak tau apa yang bikin kalian bertindak sejauh ini. Bahkan walaupun kalian mau bilang "itu udah bulan Januari lalu kok, sekarang udah nggak lagi"..........
YOU GUYS STILL HURT ME.
I'm sorry.
Love,
LadyLo.
Label: About me, Daily story, Experience, Friends, Life, Problem, Renungan, Sad
